TRUMPED UP IN RHODE ISLAND
Unfortunately it looks like Donald Trump may not make it to Rhode Island before the primary election. Luckily I have a friend who works maintenance on the Trump Air One jet who found the discarded notes for Trump’s Little Rhody speech.
“ I love Rhode Island! I often fly over it on my way from New York to the Cape.
How about that Buddy Cianci? Is he a character or what? We should have him up on the stage here with me.
When I am President I’m not only going to make America Great Again, I will Make Rhode Island Great Again! We have to get back to the principals of your terrific founder, Andy Williams.
First of all, you need revenue. Looks like you are going to put in toll booths. Well, believe you and me, I will build the most beautiful, the greatest toll booths the world has ever seen right here in Rhode Island! Trust me, they will be magnificent and I will get Connecticut to pay for them! How? Negotiations.
And if any truckers try to sneak around your tiny state by using the roads in Massachusetts and Connecticut we will bomb the #!&* out of them.
Next we’ll deport all the folks in Rhode Island whose ancestors did not come over on the Mayflower. Then, the 40,000, or so, folks, beautiful folks by the way, who are still left in Rhode Island can all go on the state payroll and live off the public trough. How amazing is that? I have such a good brain.
Politically you people have some major issues. You’ve got way too many Democrats running the place and how did you ever let a woman become your governor? Don’t get me wrong, I love women. I saw some good looking babes today while I was having lunch up on your Federalist Hill. But, you can’t put one in charge. I mean there will be some days she won’t be in her right mind. Know what I mean guys?
I also hear that you are having some problems with your new state marketing campaign. Cooler and Warmer? C’mon, who is better at branding than me, The Donald? I just put my name on everything; Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Casino and they’re all doing…..oh, never mind.
Let’s talk about your baseball team, the PawSox. I love baseball! In fact, if Dad hadn’t made me take a gazzilion dollar loan to buy some property when I was just a kid, I would have been a major league pitcher. I had a Hall of Fame arm.
Anyhow, back to the PawSox. When I’m elected President I’ll get the PawSox owners to not only pay to build a stupendous new stadium in Pawtucket, but they will pay to keep the birthing room & ER at Memorial Hospital open, and they will pay to finally fix those neglected gardens in Slater Park. I don’t care if PawSox owner Larry Lucchino is a fancy lawyer who was a partner with Edward Bennett Williams, he’s never negotiated with someone as smart as The Donald!
Well, I’ve got to fly now. Let me say in conclusion, Miscquamitville Beach in Westerly, Beneficial Street in Providence, Izzy’s Dough Boys in Warwick and the Twin Pines restaurant in Cranston, these are the things that make your great state of…. uh, Rhode Island wonderful!
O.K., get me to T.J. Brown airport in a hurry!