WHEN I’M ELECTED PRESIDENT/POTENTATE
Up until now I’ve chosen not to run for President because I felt that the job was too restrictive. Things like laws, the Constitution and having those two other pesky branches of government severely cramp what you can do on the job as Chief Executive.
Apparently, according to the leading candidates for the 2016 election, things have changed. You can ban an entire religion from coming to America. I thought that might be unconstitutional. You can carpet bomb a region. Guess Protocol 1 of the Geneva Convention can be ignored. A President can also mandate how much corporations can pay in compensation to their CEOs. So, that’s not a move that would wind up in front of the Supreme Court in about a week?
Unfettered of such restraints, I’d gladly throw my hat into the political ring. Sounds as though we will now have a Potentate President. Here’s a few of the actions I’d take from my throne in the Oval Office.
I’d immediately fire Roger Goodell because I want to tackle the most important issues first.
Political campaigns would be limited to six months in duration because we all want our lives back.
We would annex the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, Ireland and all those other places where U.S. companies go to escape paying taxes.
I would declare each American citizen to also be classified as a corporation because turn about is fair play!
I would cap political contributions from anyone, or anything, at $500. The Johnson brothers who run a little plumbing business would instantly be as influential as the Koch brothers.
I would ban any television ad from airing at meal times if they contained any of the following words; “diarrhea”, “constipation” or “ an erection lasting more than four hours ”.
There would be no more political affiliations. Folks would have to really pay attention to a candidate’s ideas not just the single letter listed next to their name on a ballot.
Gun owners could only purchase enough ammunition to fit in Barney Fife’s shirt pocket where Sheriff Andy made him keep his bullet. This stockpiling of arsenal and ammunition has to end.
Cell phone manufacturers will have to modify their products so they don’t work if the phone is traveling more than three miles per hour. Safer roads, more enjoyable train and bus rides and, maybe, more actual conversations, anyone?
The Food and Drug Administration will only be allowed to ban, or even speak badly about, foods or beverages which don’t taste good. Even snide comments about chocolate or wine will be cause for dismissal.
Eligible voters who do not vote will not be allowed to walk on sidewalks, or clear their throats, until the next election. They only have themselves to blame.
I will revoke the Providence Journal’s word count limitations on Commentary pieces because I have only just begun……
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